Things would’ve been worse!

I take personal offense when politicians claim that their bailouts, color-coded alerts, regulation, litigation and other silly actions saved us from worse socioeconomic troubles.  Not only has their paper money and corporatist fetish been enormously destructive (the worst is yet to come), but it is actually I, Andy, who have saved us all from greater calamity so far.

That’s right.  Me.

You can’t imagine how much worse things would be now without my protests and angry letters to politicians about all the voodoo that they do.  My efforts have spared you from foreign marauders, socioeconomic collapse, and even the Ice Age that would’ve happened in the 1970’s if, well …

If it weren’t for me.

What; you take their word over mine?

Which government program has ever done what it was supposed to do, on time and within budget?  How’d the “War on Poverty” work out?  How about the “War on Drugs?”  Have we had a year’s peace since the “War to End All Wars?”  So far, the “War on Terror” has lasted longer and cost more than did WWII, and it seems we’re now looking for new enemies. 

Just imagine how much worse this could’ve been if it weren’t for me!

Politicians raise taxes to stimulate the economy and cut taxes to stimulate the economy.  They subsidize sports teams and rich bankers and pornographers and foreign dictators to stimulate the economy.  We should’ve been stimulated past Pluto by now but for one key fact: politics doesn’t work. 

Check any history book and you’ll see a perfectly unbroken, ancient and ongoing record of corruption, oppression, slavery, genocide and war.

So our once-precious Rule of Law gave way to violently Robbing Peter to Pay Paul; and you are not Paul. 

No, don’t thank me.  I expect nothing from my tireless efforts on your behalf.  But quit the Stockholm Syndrome with politicians.  They’ve got your money; they don’t need your praise, too.